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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Ok.. I'm so mixed up now. So many things have happened these 4 days that I don't know how to put it in words. It's too confusing and I really don't know how to face it anymore. I seriously feel like breaking down. I've never experienced such a situation before and I really don't know how to handle it. But I really don't know. I shrugged off the advice from my friends.. Ok well, I listened to one of them.. Whom, ironically, I'm not that close to. I seriously don't know what got into me.. Sighs.
Wednesday was seriously a mixed up day for me.. Lessons and then Far East with Ivan, Sheryl and Lynette. Lunched and then Sam came later. Ivan and Sheryl left earlier and left me with Lynn and Sam.. Left at 5.. Waited for mum. Then decided to go buy shoes at mondo. Bought a pair for new year.. Ivan got molested.. By an Ah Peh.. Yeah.. Funny. Went home.. Bathed. Then was home alone.. Parents went to Ah Ma house for dinner. And so.. I called him to talk.. Yeah. And I don't wish to elaborate on the conver.. So that night ended up as the biggest shock of my life and the greatest change in my life. And I made the hugest decision of my life.
Thursday went to school earlier to meet... ... Went grandstand then went back to class. Kena sabo-ed to sit beside jiongle.. Yeah ok.. Whatever. He's my best Seeder. Haha. So I sat beside seeder and Vanessa during lessons. After lessons waited for Jiongle who went for shooting trials. Went to find him.. Talked. Then Jiongle was done.. We went to Plaza Sing and had Swensons. Seriously, I was feeling really happy when I was with them. It's just that they are such good friends that I can really clique with and.. Seriously, we can talk about anything under the world.. Including Andrew's triangle shaped hair. So.. We laughed till I cried. It was seriously damn funny. Food and ice cream.. Had no appetite. Didn't even had appetite throughout the day. Breakfast, nil. Recess, nil. Lunch, 1/8 plate of (disgusting) noodles which taste like vomit. Dinner, 1/2 plate of pasta and a ice cream. The ice cream was good.. But I really didn't know what got into me.. I couldn't even help to finish a topless 5.. Which I would usually have gladly did so myself. Haiz... Went home.. Talked to...... on the way home. Sorry if you got scolded. Homed, rest.
Friday went to school as usual. Went to find the gang at the grandstand. Lessons. Phone rang in lit class. Got malu-ated. Had a very fun time sitting with Debbie, Andrew and Jiongle. After school met him.. Went Plaza Sing again. Had Mos Burger. Had sucky appetite as usual. Ate about only half a burger and my fries were almost all there. After that went to get a present for Debbie. Then went home. Was really confused and mixed up when I came home. I recalled everything that happened that day and.. I really felt a need to tell him.. So I did. And he took it rather badly.. Sighs.. I really didn't have a choice but to be honest with him.
I really couldn't stand being home.. So I met Sand at Vivo.. She was really a very good friend. I really really treasure her. Thanks Sand.. Haiz.. So.. Went to Vivo. Talked to Sand.. Talked to him.. Realized that everything is not as simple as it seems. Either way, I will hurt him. Seriously.. Sighssss... Had dinner at Macs.. Seriously didn't have any appetite again. Had less that half of the burger and (my favourite) twister fries was like.. I only ate abit. Sighs. Went to find Dolly. Told her what happened. And shitty.. I cried in front of her. Ok not cried. Just teared. It was really damn bad lah. I couldn't take it.. And I felt like puking. I didn't know why.. It was just.. Super nauseous.. Came home alone. Came online awhile. Then couldn't take it and went to sleep.
This morning woke up on his call. Talked.. Cried.. Whatever. It was just.. I don't know. Confusion maybe? I really wondered if I did the right thing? It's like.. Whenever I think about it.. I just feel like crying. It's like a torture but in a way it's not. I mean.. It's painful for both of us.. Especially him. I really don't want to see him suffering because it hurts me alot too.. Haizz.. After talking I came online. Stoned. Tried very hard not to think about it but I seriously can't. He called again. We talked again. But this time I really broke down on the phone because of something he said. It was just damn heart wrenching. Why must you say that? It really pains me ok! And please stop hurting yourself would you? Even if you don't care about yourself, people care about you ok! I care about you ok! Sighss.. I just cried, quite badly.. And I was loss for words. Seriously.. I was just stunned alrights. Couldn't help it. Yeah.. So went for facial. All I could think of was this matter. I didn't even smile a single smile at all today and my mum felt it too. She was totally silent on the way home.. And she knew something was up but knew better than to probe. Luckily. I would have blown my top alrights. I'm already feeling horrible enough. Arghhh.... No mood to go out to eat. Just feel like sleeping all the way through my life. To numb off whatever feelings I might have. It seriously sucks lah.. Feeling damn emo now. Damn... Thanks alot, Jiongle.. Thanks.
I'M VERY SORRY. :(

Penned down her thoughts at 5:54 PM


PROFILE

Valerie
Born on 24th November
Loving life in CJC
Has loving friends in 1T33
Is very busy in student council
Fond memories in STC and Kellock

MUSIC


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WANTS

*Single digit for O's
*Get into CJC
*Get promoted to J2
*Life sized mickey soft toy
*Red Converse All Stars
*Flats
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*iPod Touch
*Apple Macbook
*United 07/08 black jersey
*Nokia N81 8GB
*Backpack
*Wallet
*Watch Spore F1 night race
*Girls boxers
*Bikini
*Perm
*Harry Potter Series
*Twilight series
*Coloured contacts
*Shades
*Hoodies
*Levi's watch
*Watch United at OT
*Own Drumset:D

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from 17 April 2008